problematic christmas songs

I am too cool for almost everything (by this, I mean that I can't suspend disbelief of my own awkwardness in the following situations/contexts, no matter how hard I try, so I do not participate in these things). I'm too cool for dancing at bars, too cool for emoting in public, too cool for Catholicism. I'm also too cool for: hipsters, regular radio, many television programs, made up holidays, going to the beach, and, come to think of it, all religion.

I am definitely not too cool for Christmas (even though I'm not religious, I dig the mythology, music, and traditions of the holiday. Also, my family's celebration is kickass). All self consciousness about how everyone is always probably thinking about what an dork I am evaporates. From the day after Thanksgiving until the day after Christmas, my ipod is populated exclusively with workout jams and Christmas carols. I dance around my apartment singing along with Celine Dion's rendition of "Silent Night." I decorate and send officewide emails alerting my coworkers of when Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is on CBS. Even though I'm firmly entrenched in my anti-Scroogey ways, I find myself catching non sequiters in the lyrics of certain Christmas songs. There is a painfully finite number of Christmas songs, and some of them are painfully weird.

1. It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
This song just starts out cruisin' along with normal Christmas stuff. Marshmallows, jingle belling, stockings, parties... but takes a weird turn. Suddenly the lyrics start talking about "scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long long ago." What? Is this a Christmas tradition that I've been missing out on? Ghost story telling? Uh, recalling the "glories" of old Christmases? Are we Vikings?

2. My Grown Up Christmas List
This is one of the shittiest Christmas songs ever. If I wanted to hear a lite rock muzak singer outline his/her plan for world peace (No more lives torn apart. Then wars would never start. And time can heal all hearts!), I would sit in on a Republican congressional primary in Ohio or the Miss USA pageant preliminaries.

3. Baby, It's Cold Outside
AKA Ode To A Midwinter's Date Rape

4. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
When I was a kid, my older cousins taught me the "sassy" version of this song, which consists of irreverent interjections between the phrases-
Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer/ Had a very shiny nose (LIKE A LIGHTBULB!)
And if you ever saw it/ You would even say it glows (LIKE A LIGHTBULB!)
All of the other reindeer/ used to laugh and call him names (LIKE PINOCCHIO!)
They never let poor Rudolph/ join in any reindeer games (LIKE MONOPOLY!)
Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say
Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Then all the reindeer loved him/ As they shouted out with glee (Whoopee!)
Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer/you'll go down in history!!!! (LIKE RASPUTIN!)
- and now, I can't hear that song without thinking of the between line interjections.

5. Santa Claus is Coming To Town
There's a verse that describes things that Santa is bringing for the kids- little tin horns, little toy drums, rooty toot-toots and rommy tom-toms-- wait, what? What's a rommy tom-tom? It sounds like a hot eggnog cocktail, but I don't think I want to drink it.

6. My Favorite Things
BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A MOTHERFUCKING CHRISTMAS SONG.